Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Thinking about Jeff
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.