Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.