Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Ain’t no way
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”