i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.