[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?