America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????