America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.