America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]