America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
You Might Also Like
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.