AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”