American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Can’t. Being lazy.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Many hands make light work