Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
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<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Just a reminder, folks:
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start