Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.