Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You Might Also Like
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
#Caturday
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff