Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do