Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
What kind of a cult is this?