[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often