“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My dating profile:
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Lmao the reply
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
That’s not how days work.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill