America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%