@ChaseMit: America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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@SortaBad: Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it'd be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
@jonnysun: JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
@DaHess1: Shout out to bicyclists that yell "on your left" as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.