Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
You Might Also Like
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.