An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
my favorite genre of twitter
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.