Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore