An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”