An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.