An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.