An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
This anagram machine is out of order.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.