The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
This meal prepping shit easy
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
They’re stuck in your pants?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.