@torrami: An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It's the most adorable massacre in history.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
@shawnspree: Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?