If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy