An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”