An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.