An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
quarantine day 3
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body