“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*