@tangledteatime: An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn't that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He's EIGHT.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g– Me: *sprays insect repellent*
@LordofScribble: As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
@anagramps: *hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*
@thegreatnanak: *lying in bed This is life. I don't think I'll ever get out of bed again. *five minutes later I gotta pee.