*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
They did not miss in the small print
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
What the dentist sees
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.