*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years