An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
taking June’s advice to heart
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Britain be like