An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“no gods no masters” = leo
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Sniffing the broccoli
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim