An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I hope Alan is OK
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I can’t wait!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
craving $300 all of a sudden
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part