AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.