An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed