An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR