An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I’m going to need a moment here.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear