An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Knock Knock
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.