@TheTweetOfGod: An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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@darinlovesbacon: I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
@BlakWidowBarbee: Yoga is really kicking in. I'm seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.
@daemonic3: If I were a ghost, I'd spell "antidisestablishmentarianism" on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots' time.
@jakob_huber: Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.