@TheTweetOfGod: An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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@TwistedEmbrace: I get 9" in bed every night. That's how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@WilliamAder: If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
@junejuly12: Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend.