wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)