Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.