Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
You Might Also Like
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.