ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played