Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Pizza is an emotion right?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG