ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.