[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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A bold strategy
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.