Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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Do one person every day that scares you.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up