@VYVYANCRAIG: Ancient Egyptian toilet paper
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@jazmasta: [speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] "Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?" "No" "Didn't think so"
@JoeBerkowitz: The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says "who?" but you still killed a baby.
@BobTheSuit: CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"